Friday, December 11, 2009

The "Small" Things. . .

All of my life I always felt that I was different from others.  As I reflect back on my childhood all the way up to my adult life, it's amazing to me how much I've changed, not only in appearances, but in my mindset.  What I once thought was important in life, I've now come to learn those things really don't matter.

One thing that used to always bother me was why I was so envied and hated by so many of my peers.  For as nice as I am, my thinking was, what is there not to like?  I'm a nice person, and I'm good to people, so why do people not like me?  I was ridiculed as a child by my peers.  I was ridiculed as a teenager by my peers, and unfortunately, I have been ridiculed as an adult by my peers, and the burning question, once again, has been, why?  What did this little 4'11" person ever do to make people dislike me? 

I had to think back to my childhood to get the answer, and it struck me like a knock-out punch.  Some people have treated me this way because I am different and because I exist.  Yes, fans, can you believe that, I've been mistreated by many for the mere simple reason that I am in the world!  May be hard to believe, but oh how true this is!

I've chronicled my entire life through journals, and while reading some very painful entries, especially through my childhood, I remember an incident I got into with another school kid.  We were fighting, something I always found distasteful, but a necessary evil toward my own survival, and it just so happened that a police officer appeared to break up the altercation.  When the officer asked the girl I was fighting why are you harboring so much hate toward this little girl, (I will never ever forget her response), she said, "I hate Kim cause, just because I hate her!"  The officer raised an eyebrow and looked at her and then to me.  By this time, my mother came down to see what was going on, and the officer said to her, "This child really hates that your daughter exists!  My goodness she bears watching!"

I was hated for merely living!  Wow, that's more startling to me today than it was over 30 something odd years ago!  My mother used to tell me your little girlfriends don't like you.  While your back is turned, they are sneering at you.  I asked my mother countless times, why mom, why?  I'm a nice person.  She said it was jealously!  I learned about the green-eyed monster at a very early age.  Mom told me that I was different in that I had something special that others could see, and hated me for it because they wish they had it.  So as I began to grow up, I pondered over what was "it" that I had that some didn't possess?  And why was "it" given to me?

I still cannot answer that question, but I learned a great many things from "it!"  So now that I'm an author, a huge feat and accomplishment in and of itself, my "it" factor is beginning to glow, as well as the green eyes that have always plagued my existence.  The one thing that most of the people who don't like me don't seem to get is, the more you fight against my very existence, the stronger you will me to live!  For many years, I thought I walked alone?  I felt all by myself because I was made to feel this way by so many of my peers, and now that I'm stone grown, I see nothing has changed at all, except my thinking!

Which brings me to the crux of this Blog!  Last night, I had my Wine & Cheese Release Party, and all day, prior to the event, I was so nervous.  I kept saying to myself, no one will show, don't nobody care, this is gonna be a huge waste of everyone's time, and why am I bothering, much less struggling to make it as an author, when no one seems to understand my true passion for writing?  People RSVP'd and said they were coming, and I studied that list over and over, wondering, hmmm, will these people actually show?  I had a burning sensation in the pit of my stomach, and I was terrified for what I was about to embark upon.

And then "it" happened!  There were ladies everywhere getting their hair done looking all fly, and I'm like well they are just here for that!  WRONG!  Yes, they did come to get their hair done, but they also came to support this sista!  Lil ole me, the one that is so hated by many!  And if that didn't drop my jaw enough, my three best friends came out to support me, and entertained everyone in Fahrenheit and enjoyed themselves along the way!  They helped drum up business for me, which was AWESOME!

I even had some surprising guests who graced me with their presence~~The President and CEO of Hill House Association, Mr. Evan Frasier, and his Associate, Martin Prentice.  Mr. Frazier is an author himself and gave me a personally signed copy and bought a copy of mine, as did Mr. Prentice.  I was totally blown away and extremely shocked that they came out to support me.  They gave me many props and wished me well.  Anton Williams, Michael A. Smith and Eric Epps are three of the nicest men you will ever meet.  They gave much love and support to me throughout this entire grueling process and they encourage me to continue to follow my dreams!  I love you guys!

In closing, at the end of the day, I realized what matters most to me.  It's not what people say with their mouths, and all the empty promises people give you to make a great selling pitch, and it's not all the B.S. that people spout just because they think that's what you want to hear, and it's not about what I can do for them or what they can get out of the deal, "it" is the small things that mattered.  They were there solely to support ME!  They were there because they love me and want to see me do well.  And for me, that's all I need.  I no longer care about how much someone doesn't like me, nor do I give a damn if I'm hated by many just because I'm doing what I love to do, because my existence isn't about YOU, it's about ME and what God has in his Plan!  As everyone told me last night, you are going to make it and we're glad to know you.  To hear people I never knew tell me that they are glad to know me, more than adequately makes up for all the horrible, rotten things people have said and done to me!

I am loved and respected and, that folks, pretty much sums it up!  God placed the right people in my path and blessed me, and I thank you Lord! 

MERRY CHRISTMAS, fans!  Happy Reading!